“Soon we're going to do a little exercise, but I'll introduce myself first.” The Presenter said into his microscopic head mic, his nasal twang reverberating off the walls and the ceiling. I wouldn't have come if I knew it was going to be a 'Stand up, jump around, and wave your arms around' American-style of coaching; an audience shouting “Yeahs!!” and punching their arms in the air. I was slap-bang in the middle of a row, there was no escaping. I inwardly groaned and slumped in my chair.
was he saying? Blah, blah, blah... My focus became fixed on the mic
which looked like an irritating fly about to be swallowed. It moved
with his jaw; up, down, up, down, oops he nearly bit it! I suppressed
a giggle and continued to flinch from the squeaky feedback. What was
he going on about anyway? I studied the leaflet, which had been left
on my seat. I was attending on behalf of my boss and I hadn't
bothered to check the details, apart from confirming the date, time,
and location. It was so last-minute, I hadn't even had time to alter
the reservation, so a name badge was now pinned to my chest which
Roberts, MD of All But A Few Limited,
written in squiggly marker.
flyer, the Presenter winked smugly back at me; his finger pointed at
himself as he speech-bubbled, 'Let me help you! You won't regret it!”
His strike-a-pose looked forced and unnatural, like he needed the
toilet. When men need to go, do they stand differently? I wondered.
Women wrap their legs over, under and around, or stoop lower to the
ground. Whatever, it certainly wasn't doing him any favours. I read
the blurb alongside it:
Connor Manning, (Con-Man to his clients), an aspiring author and
small online business leadership coach. Gifted in helping fledgling
businesses test the market and achieve their goals. See his famous
'Pigeon Technique TM'
for yourself and use it to target your customers. Join us for this
one-day event and learn from the Pigeon Master!
and refreshments are not included.
another ridiculously expensive and useless seminar, where you join a
pyramid scheme and pay more; sign up to their mailing list, buy their
motivational books, and reserve your place on their next course.
up on your feet!” The Presenter commanded.
There was a rustle of coats and bags being thrown on the floor and
legs brushed against chairs. I hastily got to my feet. I didn't want
to be the last in the room not standing.
turn to the neighbour on your left and state your name and tag.”
tag? What have I missed? The person to my left grabbed my hand and
Dean.” He said peering at my badge, “I'm Matt and I have Conduct
Disorder.” I stared at him flummoxed. “It's my tag. I'm a
misbehaver.” He explained helpfully, “What's yours?”
don't have one.” I replied nervously. My thoughts swirling, drowned
out by the sound of voices excitedly chattering like monkeys.
sure you do. Everyone has a tag.” Matt reassured me. “See that
man over there, he has ADHD and the woman next to him has OCD, I got
pally with them earlier.”
resumed our seats, Matt whispered conspiratorially, “Everything's
easier with a tag. They explain who you are in so many ways and allow
you to people filter. They're awesome!”
Presenter was talking, “Ladies and gentleman, you have just learnt
the first step in the Pigeon Technique. Tagging people and products
is an essential form of business currency.”
thought just occurred to me. I tugged on Matt's shirt sleeve, “ I'm
a Vegetarian.” I stated proudly in a hushed tone. “Does that
you go!” Matt said congratulating me on the back, “You've just