Can you live with secrets held deep inside? Ones you can't possibly speak about?
like a ship filled with stolen treasure, except this treasure had
never been gold, it had always been black. As her name implies, she
carried these dark truths across the seas, she carried them home.
was the pit of her stomach, but even swallowed these secrets didn't
go away, they stayed, sat there or rose as a lump in her throat. Some
days she was unable to speak or had to call sick into work: she had a
migraine, a virus, a fever, there was no way she'd be in this week.
She told white lies because she could never bring herself to express
or digest these truths.
had tried not to hide, but with secrets buried inside it was a life
half-lived. And it hurt to contain herself for unspoken truths erode
like acid. An acid that turned to rain or fire, but each time she
tried to confide her clumsy attempts were swept aside or she was
treated like a fragile vessel. A ship painted black with tattered
sails; a patched-up wreck considered unseaworthy.
refused to play the victim here. She was strong for hadn't she
carried these truths deep inside and not let on. Shouldered this
burden alone so others wouldn't feel they were to blame and hid the
shame she felt. It was nobody's fault. Things happen which change you
and make you lose a part of you that can never again be found.
first, Carrie had searched for the part she'd lost on a warm, spring
day, but it had been taken away and that was that. It made her who
she was and yet when she felt compelled to explain, the light always
disappeared out of the chosen one's eyes and was replaced by fear or
pity. In those instants Carrie knew she was on her own in this big
from leading a whole life because half of her was alive and half was
as good as dead. Half of her was desperate to set sail on China seas,
but the controlling half kept her anchored. She appeared safely
moored, but inside was all at sea.
she ever break free from her blackened half? Escape the past she had
telling it, could it affect somebody else's future? Would she lose
more people she'd mistakenly chosen to open up to and had wanted to
choosing not to tell, was she hurting not only herself, but others?
Shutting them out and keeping her distance. Using her body to say
stay away from me. I'll let you know the white half, but not the half
knew just how to live to protect herself. She was fully aware of her
own limits. But people, without knowing her reasons why, tried to
step over these lines too quickly. Assumed what they knew was all of
her and missed the distress signals. Failed to give her adequate time
to prepare myself, to decide if she could cope or if this was what
she wanted. From those kind of people she drifted away, or pushed
them if she had to.
rare times she'd let someone into the darker side it was worse.
Almost the exact opposite. And she would wish she hadn't told them.
Her shell hadn't been smashed, she wasn't looking for their sympathy
or, after so many years, their protection, but someone who she could
trust and would know her completely.
came; instead her pains had made her vessel a bit more weathered and
battered. She concluded that to be truly at peace she had to sail
these black seas on her own.