That people's shadows, those they've left behind, can prove more dear than when they're physically with you is perhaps not something I ought to give voice to. Is it wise, I ask myself. Probably not, but I cannot let it pass without some rumination and comment, and besides, we live in an age where all manner of things are said that shouldn't be. And besides that besides, there's another: the idea came not from me, but from Alain in The Cat who tiptoes around the fact that he prefers it, as does his beloved feline companion Saha, when Camille's not there.
I instantly understood, as I had on the first, and now second, reading of Colette's story. Alain, an only child is speaking to another. For no matter how old you get to be or what circumstances you find yourself in you will always be an only, and that position will form your view. There's no other position for you to take. It's not necessarily reasonable, but it's what you know; you are what you are.
And what that is in some people's eyes, as well as that of your own, is a difficult character. Alain says so himself; he knows he needs time and he knows he's not being given it. Pace, setting your own, is important; yet you can't expect others to know this, to perceive this, but if you can't express this and only act out, stubbornly, defiantly or sulkily, then it does make you seem unreasonable, intolerant, difficult. The problem for onlys is this time can stretch, so that instead of attempting to grow used to something they keep things the same and others (or experiences) at a distance. Onlys know, in some deeper layer of themselves, they are doing this, but how else can they be?
Yes, they might convince themselves they can change and then try harder than most people to do so, but these attempts will mostly fail, because 'wanting' is not the same as having to, as feeling in some way made to. Frustration builds. And might then burst out uncharacteristically or the effects of strain be seen in their physique. They, for all their sustained effort, enter the zone of the shadow, but unhappily. For while they might prefer to people their world with shadows, they don't want in waking or sleeping life to yet become one. Shadows are just easier to be with, to deal with. They don't make demands, but for them to exist and you to think more kindly of them you have to first be with them, spend time with them in solid person, and that is, as you might expect, the problem. Though the ordeal, the anxiousness of it, the preparation for it, is somewhat lessened if it's for short periods of time.
Family, of course, don't count, as they will be familiar with most of your funny little, and more difficult, ways, and be more tolerant of them. They may even know you better than you know yourself, and yet know when you have to be allowed to try, though they might have their own (unspoken) feelings on the matter. I'm thinking of Alain's mother, and even their household help. The Alain and Camille 'experiment' was never going to work; I think they sensed this, although they also, it's true, had their prejudices. Maybe they too didn't want it to work.
Did Alain? I think he had done what other onlys do: fool himself it could, perhaps without considering all that this change meant; perhaps dismissing any moments of unease, any misgivings, not realising the situation, his personal turmoil, would increase once a real commitment had been made. He really wasn't ready for the 'living' part. The shadow of Camille was what he wanted, left with him after brief instants of togetherness, not her physical presence waiting for him.
Alain is what a lot of onlys are, a loner. More comfortable alone in his own company. More relaxed in his own private space. More at home in familiar surroundings. Onlys are like cats (though they might not be cat owners or animal lovers), independent and territorial. Lapses of judgement mostly happen when they attempt or someone else attempts to domesticate them in an alien way. The thing, the person trying to possess them then becomes a rival, for their time, energy, affection. Their solution to that is to restore their Kingdom.
Picture credit: Garden, Jean Francois Millet (source: WikiArt).
See The Cat by Colette (here revisited for a second time).
Written in lock-down May 2020.
