Duh basic English 101. Yeah, well I don't believe in creative writing instruction - I'm not a writer. I just write, spin whatever yarn comes out, you know. To hell with structure and gripping the reader. I mean really who cares?
Though that's not true; I do, but formulating how to put thoughts down on a screen page so that a reader, any bog-standard reader, might get them takes time, too much sometimes, and interrupts the flow. The beat, man. And so in this instance I'm divesting myself of it. Whoa, that's a big word: divesting, and I'm pretty sure it's not one I've used before. In a sentence. It's not usually the type of word I'd choose; I'd normally use something like abandon or remove. Oh well, it does the same job.
Anyhow, if I haven't completely lost you, let's go back to the beginning. In the beginning was the Word...no, that's not what I intended...try, try, try again. In the beginning...nope. At the beginning...at the beginning was Fargo. Year 3 with Ewan McGregor. Yes, yes he gave an excellent performance as both Stussy brothers, but it's chief of police Gloria Burgle I want to talk of, sort of. Because like her I've experienced moments where my very existence is called into question by sensors.
Am I a Hologram like Rimmer in Red Dwarf? Different show I know, but is it a possibility? Dunno. Which is the best way to answer anything you dunno basically. But we'll park that potential theory because whilst there could be some truth in it it's amateurish and I don't know anyone who has that expertise and could tell me definitively whether I am, whether I'm not, whether I'm showing signs of etc. Plus I'm not ready to be a lab rat. Not even if the mad scientist fronting the whole she-bang was strangely alluring. And no, I don't think I'd cope with The Big Bang Theory Sheldon or Howard-type either. Can you imagine? No don't! Primo Levi from what I've read (and if he were still with us) would be more inducive, but then his field was chemistry, metals and paint. Oliver Sacks? Hasn't he too departed?
So now you'll have got it into your head I'm a science dork with a penchant for extremely dark but laughable criminal acts. Actually, perhaps that's not far off the mark. The last part anyhow.
No, no, no what am I saying? That's way off. Way, way off. Science, pah! I know nothing. Well ok, some but it's a jumble and essentially worthless. I couldn't string anything together and present it to you here. It would take years. How long have you got...?
Criminality? I'm an ignoramus. The deeds others do, even minor ones, blow my mind. Not necessarily the impulse but why the execution. A thought has the same result but nobody gets harmed. Though I'm not sure a thief would be happy with virtual spoils. Would you be if that was your profession? Please circle one of the following: Bank Robber/ Store Thief/ Fraudster/ Embezzler. I mean nobody would openly admit to it would they if it became a thing on a form, though less I think for the disapproval than the removal of risk and confiscation of stolen property. Hmm, perhaps we're all just petty crooks in one shape or another? Love a bargain me. Yet I think I've just flunked the criminal class of '18 don't you? Too goddamn honest. It should be my middle name.
Glory be my name. Nope, wrong again. It was Gloria Burgle wasn't it? Before I got diverted. And her lack of presence despite her investigative persistence and tough-talking. Automatic doors refuse to open unless she waves her arms like an air traffic controller or someone else gains entry or exits; faucets in rest-rooms won't shed one drop of water even if their function is proven. I'd like to affirm it's a common problem because I share it but I know, beyond any doubt or stretch of the imagination, it's most definitely not that. No, I'm in some place, foreign to the masses, which fails to sense even my finger taps. Where am I exactly? Dunno.
Picture credit: Gloria Burgle (Carrie Coon), Fargo, series 3.
