You
get everything you think you want but in the instant it's given want
to chuck it into the nearest river, except it's not something you can
throw due to its size or because it can't be held, physically, it
being a verbal offer; or because, well, it's a person or it would be
very ungenerous of you to do so, and besides, you don't live close to
water. Mermaid, mermaid, on the wall, combing your seaweed-red hair, which part should I listen to – head or heart?
Steamy room, misty mirror and no advice spoken but a stare that says: you know.
But you don't, that's the problem.
Other people flip a coin, assigning a decision to heads or tails, and noting their reaction: relief or disappointment, to the side that falls face-up. You petition a mermaid on the wall as if you're inside a Brothers Grimm fairy tale and get precisely nowhere, just more confused as the hours and days pass.
If you have that luxury, some things won't wait. And when they won't they get decided for you which can be a worst fate because then you either have to break something off or make the best of it at a moment when you don't want to or fail to see the bigger picture: the seed that will eventually germinate if you give it a go.
Such a process that. Taking on a thing when you have doubts. That won't be banished, even after you've taken it on. Your mind just, if not more, as uneasy as it was before, and yet you've done it now. Oh, the new routine. Oh, the compromises. Oh, the playing nice and walking on shells, egg and those at the seaside. Accompanied by the feeling that you're bluffing and will, in a very short time, be found out.
Whereas on paper (before it came), it looked ideal. Lots of ticks, very few crosses. Until reality hit, when the thing you didn't think would come, came. Tick, tick, hmm cross, cross, cross, cross. Because there are conditions. And you'd imagined you feel differently.
You should feel differently. Yes, there are changes to the original idea that formed in your head, but it's virtually everything you asked (the Universe) for. Isn't it? and you have to admit if written down it still looks good on paper.
So what's the problem? Is it the tweaks which have presented themselves weren't yours? Is it more than you wanted to undertake, and you're not sure you want to or you can? Yes and yes . Or do you just need to give yourself time, to resign yourself to it or hopefully to see it in a whole new light, as something miraculous and the answer to your prayers?
Are you not, at present, just struck dumb? You don't know what to think or how to feel, so that like a fish caught and flung in the boat you keep flip-flopping, eyes dilated with the surprise of it all and your head a little giddy as if you've been twirled around a floor over a hundred times by a devilishly handsome partner.
For this, whatever it is, is an answer, of a sort just not what you thought when you thought it out, before it happened, when it was unreal and you hadn't imagined for one instant it would really occur. Not in your wildest dreams could it possibly. Though not all happenings are as delirious-making; some, though unexpected in the way they've come about, are merely annoyances, a fly in the ointment which you wish after a spell would take themselves off and bestow themselves on someone else who would perhaps welcome them on a more permanent basis, and with a sunnier disposition.
It is said fortune smiles on the brave. What luck! you're supposed to say, even if you're far from brave. The things you make happen, however, are not the same as things happening to you because the reality when they arrive causes you to want instead a sheltered life.
Picture credit: Whirlpools, 1957, M C Escher.
All posts published this year were penned during the last.
