A
while ago I realised, sometimes to my amusement and often to my
dismay, I stumble more over words. The spoken word.
When
this occurred, fatally you might say, I don't know, since it mostly
happens in those moments where everything - talk and body language -
is either improvised or governed by natural impulses, as well as at
times when my self-awareness is heightened; but as those exchanges
are rare it's not then there all the time since most of the minutes
and hours that make up the day are spent in silence or in a one-way
chat: either with myself or addressed to a screen.
A
babble would imply a rush or a stream, words forced out in one breath
with no beat between them; a stutter or stammer suggests words that
are stuck, like a woman in labour alternately panting and pushing
until baby's delivered; whereas tongue-tied expresses a knot or the
tip sliced in two, the ends tied in a bow so that words are
mispronounced, which, to correct, have to be sounded differently; and
lost for words intimates the tongue's been intentionally removed, or
numbed deliberately and may only be shocked back to feeling with an
ice-cube.
No,
these stumbles, these falls have nothing in common with the above.
Nor any term (that I know of) that completely conveys the temporal
disconnect between brain and mouth, much like an intermittent and
poor signal. People in remote areas will undoubtedly understand what
I'm talking about. Except the experienced technical hitch is not
entirely that either; it's not just that pathway as there's also the
inability to formulate recognisable words: those that would be
instantly recognised by another when said, as well as the selection
of them from the thesaurus in my head. Usually what happens is that
two get conjoined and remain so when spoken, like Siamese twins who
require medical invention to survive, or more appropriately in this
case an explanation in the Oxford Dictionary.
I'm
scaling a hill or mountain -metaphorically speaking for I would never
do that in real life, well, only out of necessity, not for pleasure
or adventure- and there are too many footholds to choose from, so
that as a foot is suspended mid-air the rest of me slips and slides,
just a little bit, until I find the firmest and nearest placing,
while dust rises and small stones tumble downwards.
Movements
quick: a grab, a toe drag; that's what it's like the art of small
talk sometimes, all the time studying another's face to see how it
settles. Comprehended, puzzlement or brushed aside? Knowing that what
you've said is not wrong but it's not right. Because it sounds like
gibberish to your ears.
The
equivalent to it, I imagine, is a mini-stroke, except in this
instance you're aware it's happening while those you're addressing
remain unaware. Then, in those moments, I feel foolish. Blathering
idiot, I'm thinking, whilst looking to see if it's been noticed. The
words are just not there when I want them to be, or where I want them
to be either.
And
like a mini-stroke, you don't when or where it will strike, or
whether you'll trip up or just fall, fall, fall, and be quite unable
to pull anything coherent or appropriate from your usual hat of
words. Mostly it happens face-to-face, though it has also been known
to occur on the phone when I don't know with whom I'm speaking or if
I'm nervous for example about making and taking a call.
But
it's the loss of words that bothers me. The not knowing what to say;
the right, the correct way to respond, at a pace that's both suitable
and socially expected. But then I seem to have lost too knowing when
to be quiet and when to chime in. When to attempt a throwaway (and
often silly) remark, or an anecdote which would put me on an even par
with other speakers. Similar to how when your calf muscles go into
spasm you can still talk, though there's a good chance your sentences
might be interspersed with oh, oh, oh (to match your winces), and
therefore add very little, in the way of effect or sense, to the
conversation.
Picture credit: Stig of the Dump, Edward Ardizzone (source: Folio Society News & Blogs)
All posts published this year were penned during the last.
